Can I Say No To My Mom?
My sister is disabled, and while I was working on a job as a teller after I graduated from college as a way to take some time to figure out what I wanted to do with my life, one of my coworkers told me about a home healthcare program. This program would pay for me to attend CNA school and would pay me full-time wages at $15/hour to take care of my sister. I had always been interested in the medical field and at the time I thought it would be cool to hang around the house all day and have even more time to plan my future. So I quit my job and joined the program.
-I’m starting to feel like this was a huge mistake that has severely destroyed my life. My old boss at the credit union warned me about this, but I was too busy thinking she was trying to keep me on at a job that wasn’t really going to go anywhere, or at least, anywhere I was interested.
-What I didn’t figure into the equation was how dependent my disabled mother would become. Thinking back on it, I should have noticed the signs where on my days off, she would be upset if I didn’t want to drive her anywhere, even though she has a car, or talk to someone who would call on the phone for her, or even fill out paperwork about anything to do with her. I should have seen how I was slowly being transformed into the mother. I’m only 24.
-So, it’s been nearly a year since I left my old job to become a home CNA, and I’ve never been so depressed before in my life. I go through horrible mood swings, my temper is completely unpredictable, and I’m eating a lot in secret. I was so used to eating by myself for lunch, and having the freedom to be as healthy or unhealthy as I wanted in my food choices. I was used to be responsible for things only really having to do with me at my old job, and I was definitely used to having my car to myself, with my own mess, music, and freedom to actually have my purse in the empty spot next to me. I was also used to having friends and was starting to go out a little more often. I was actually starting to feel like an adult. My second mistake was deciding to buy a house with my mom. We are co-owners. Now I know I can’t leave. The house is half of my responsibility.
-Now, if I want to go somewhere, even if it’s just to the library, I have to fight with my mom about why I don’t want her to go. She cusses at me and says that I don’t want her around me because I’m fat and she’s skinny now, which makes no sense to me at all. It’s as if she doesn’t understand that I really would like to go some places by myself; to do things on my own and feel that once golden sense of being a grown up and able to be independent. Before I took the home job, I had finally started to feel so comfortable about my weight, and it wasn’t something I was dwelling on anymore. I was getting asked out at my job and receiving compliments nearly everyday that actually made weight seem like a stupid thing to even worry about anymore. And I had actually gotten into the habit of making healthier choices for lunch and I felt great! She started taking some pills and they made all food taste nasty, so essentially she’s become an anorexic and makes fun of fat people who “don’t try hard enough.” She lost 85 pounds by starving herself and not exercising at all. I don’t want to be like that at all.
-I haven’t been able to eat by myself in about a year, unless a full-blown argument between my mom and I allows me to storm out of the house to eat alone, and feel guilty while she calls the entire family tree to tell them how I’m torturing her. I cry nearly every night because I know that I can’t do anything by myself. Technically, according to my job, I don’t ever have to leave my house if I don’t want to because I live with my sister, which is what I thought I was going to do. I had planned on maybe studying for the LSAT so I could possibly go to law school. But I have no time to myself. If I want to walk around the house in my pajamas reading, I get yelled at and accused of trying to starve the house and kill everyone. I don’t even understand how this has transitioned to be my job to do EVERYTHING. And I can’t take it anymore.
-I think about suicide nearly every night because I just want to get away from it all. I know that in about 10 minutes my mom is going to come in and demand that she needs coffee and that I’m the one who needs to take her. My brothers live in the house with us and don’t have to deal with this at all. My mom says that because I’m her daughter, I have to do these things.
-Can’t I just say no and be okay? I want my adult life back. I want my own house, a husband and kids someday.
You’re 24, you technically can anytime you want. But should you? If you want to get it off your chest, get it off soon before these bottled feelings become too much to handle. I’m assuming by your post that your mom doesn’t need your assistance all the time. The way she calls you fat is emotional abuse, you need to assert your maturity and ignore her insults. Also, remind her that she’s not your boss, you work for a home health care agency.
Not unless u wanna get smacked
Well you’ve got yourself in a pickle, haven’t you? There is a boundary between “helping your mom out” and “being your mom’s slave” and it sounds like you feel like you fall in the category of the latter. You don’t belong to her; your job as a human being is to take care of yourself first and only then will you be able to properly help her. It sounds like you feel like your job is ruining your relationship with your mom.
The only thing I can recommend is the site below. The headline says “problem drinkers” but it can benefit anyone. Good luck.
do whots wright and ask god to come in to your life if u dont know him he can help we do not fight agentested flesh and blood but sprits
Honestly, your mistake was thinking that you could just get paid to sit around the house to do nothing. You’re not her child anymore, you’re her employee. You took a job that made your mother into your boss. I can’t imagine.
Either sit down with your mom and discuss your “work hours” and do what she wants during that time and leave when the time is over, or do another job outside the house and stop this CNA farce.